burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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