All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
cat food counts as protein by the way
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize