sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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