i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
