my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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