Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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