I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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