good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
