Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
