we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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