instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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