so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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