i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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