Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
handjob tips. give me some.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
