I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
