Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
