what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
