Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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