i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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