Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it's like heaven, but drunker
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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