He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
