Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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