I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
