I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
