I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I know her cup size but not her name....
do nipples grow back?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
