Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
