how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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