If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
