my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
it was like eating out sand paper
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
