time to smoke my breakfast
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
