EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize