were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
