I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
