When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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