benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
