youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
