The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
