My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
