Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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