Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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