Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
