this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
