these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Randomize
