i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
