I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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