I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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