Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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