dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
