i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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