i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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