I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
