I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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