had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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