if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
