I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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