dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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