She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
