my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
