dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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