he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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